Thursday, May 29, 2008

Getting to Know: BillyBlog

In which BillyBlog asks itself the same questions Teen magazine asked now-pregnant teen idol Jamie Lynn Spears; see original interview here. This is an idea shamelessly ripped off this post from The Best American Poetry Blog.

BillyBlog: You’re in Jr. High, right?
BB: "Well, I'm in my third "active" year in the Blogosphere. Not sure if that translates to Junior High or not. My oldest child is in intermediate school, which others refer to as Jr. High."

What are you most looking forward to?
"A Democrat in the White House. I don't often get political here, but I am worried for the children."

What kind of car do you want?
"I am carless, and proud. Sometimes inconvenienced, but proud. A car would be a luxury for me. I would like a Lamborghini Countach (because it sounds kinda dirty), but I couldn't afford the insurance."

What's your favorite subject?
"Poetry about Umbrella Tattoos."

Do you play any sports?
"I ride a bicycle. No other sports to report."

Are kids in school treating you differently because of Nickelodeon exposure?
"No, they still ignore me because they think I'm an old man. Although my older daughters' friends think I'm slightly more interesting than the "normal" parent because I have a blog."

You have a new puppy named Ali, right? How is she?
"No puppy. No animal. My animals have died. I still have a flash disk with video of my cat Goblin throwing up in his last days on Earth. If I had a dog, I'd name him something literary, like Yossarian."

How old is she now?
"My imaginary dog Yossarian is three years old. And Yossarian is a boy's name. If I had a girl dog I'd name her Muffin Top."

She's a mix, right?
"She would be a mix, a cross between an Akita and a Yorkie. An Akorkie. I just like the image of her parents procreating. It's comical."

What are your feelings about Ali?
"The greatest boxer, ever."

Where did you find her?
"Oh, you mean his daughter? She's co-hosting American Gladiators now, I think. I dunno. I appreciate the opportunity to name-drop all these pop culture references, which will certainly do wonder for my blog traffic."

Do you dress her up?
"Last time I tried, I had to eat all my meals through a straw. For a month."

Do you try to coordinate it with what you're wearing?
"Your line of questioning confuses me. My clothing, however, rarely coordinates. My wife has tried for years, but she has only been mildly successful. I'm a lost cause."

What is your fashion style?
"Scattered casual. Although I have some cool neckties."

Year 'round?
"Generally, although I occasionally will throw in some man-boob cleavage and plumber-butt, just to keep them guessing."

What do you like to do for fun?
"I like to go to poetry readings and sulk. They are inspiring and depressing simultaneously, which leaves me a little disoriented. I think my best poems are better than some of the worst poems read at such events. That makes me sad. Then I am inspired to write more. And then, rinse and repeat."

Was it really scary?
"Poetry readings are never scary. Smelly, sometimes, but rarely scary."

TV anything you watch?
"Pretty much anything that isn't nailed down."

Are you watching Joey?
"I love Blossom reruns!"

So, you have to get TiVo?
"I have a DVR chock full of Daily Shows, South Parks, Miami Inks, and a bunch of kid crap that makes me regret ever teaching my offspring how to search for shows."

Do you have an acting coach working with you?
"No, I fool everyone without professional help."

Is Zoe like you?
"No, I actually graduated high school. Although my college looked a lot like PCA, only more unattractive people."

How are you not alike?
"Her character has, um, well, lady-parts."

Will that change as you get older?
"Lord, I hope not. Those surgeries can be expensive!"

Have you gotten advice from mom or sister about business?
"No, they are wise to let me do my own thing."

Do you have a celebrity crush?
"Julianne Moore makes me giggle like a schoolgirl."

What was your most embarrassing moment:
"I was Bat Boy for the Springfield Caps, a collegiate Summer League team in Central Illinois in the 1970's. I once brought the umpire balls when everyone was ready to pitch. He was crouched down behind the catcher, and I was holding his balls. And the pitcher had to stop to let me give the umpire his balls. Several hundred or maybe even a thousand people were watching me. I turned bright red like the helmet on my head."

So you raised your hand to answer a question and it was wrong?
"Not often, but occasionally. At least I tried."

You probably haven't raised your hand since?
"Only when applying deodorant."

Favorite movie:
"It will always be The Outlaw Josey Wales. I could watch it over and over again and never get sick of it."

"Gunplay, humor, revenge, Clint Eastwood and a disturbing glimpse of Sondra Locke's breasts."

Film star you look up to/like to have a career like?
"John Cusack. I wish I could be as cool as he was, even when he was playing a dork."

Do you like Hilary's music?
"The God-awful Celine Dion song she had in her campaign ads early in the primary season made me regurgitate every time I heard it."

If you could work with any other actor/actress who?
"Sean Penn. Because then he could introduce me to Eddie Vedder and we could all go hang out at my mom's place in Hawai'i."

Would you think you'd died and gone to heaven if you got a part in an Ashton Kutcher/Lindsay Lohan movie?
"No, although working with Ashton would mean seeing Demi again. I could apologize to her for not initially recognizing her when I was coordinating parking behind the Universal Amphitheater during Comic Relief in 1992."

Something you can't live without:
"My BlackBerry clothes me. In other words, I feel naked without it."

Play video games?
"No, not since college. My children are better off without such distractions in the house."

Who's someone you look up to?
"My wife, Melanie."

"She changes people's lives every day she goes to work. She would dismiss such talk as rubbish and say that the people she works with are changing their own lives, that she is only facilitating their journeys, but she makes a difference. And I love her."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this is great, and pretty hilarious. so is the original. thanks for pointing it my way.